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June 10, 2004
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Okay, the conflict slide. At which point I’d like to point out it’s okay to be a bit scared when doing this. If you’re scared *all* the time however, something is wrong and you need to work out what you’re going to do about it.- when giving people feedback, make sure they’re left with enough spirit to do better in future. Focus on how they have behaved well or badly, not on whether they are a good or bad person.
- If you begin any criticism with “people have been saying” or “I have heard”, the first reaction is “Well, who?” and the second is “Why didn’t you stick up for me?” Find something you can defend as a criticism from you, and work with that.
- Don’t get too woolly on opening gambits. State what went wrong and ask why - not aggressively, but firmly. This bit of software was late and we didn’t know it was going to be - why was that? This requirement wasn’t included in the design - why was that? Often people know they’ve messed up.
- Jesus, how I wish I’d known about this. Okay, you’ve got something a bit shit to tell someone, so you think “I know, I’ll tell them something nice either side to soften the blow”. You are doing this to make yourself feel better, not them. A sly or egotistical person will never hear the criticism in the middle - and if it comes to a tribunal, remember it could be counted as an overall positive meeting. Meanwhile, an insecure person will never hear the good stuff either side. Say the thing you have to say, and just that.
- Try to fix the cause not the symptom. If people get aggressive, particularly over many discussions, try and find out what’s really driving it. There is normally some insecurity, need or other subtext to it that you need to get to. “You won’t work with x because they’re an arsehole” “What aspect of their arseholeness impacts on the work you do? Is there a particular thing that winds you up?”
- Be wise enough to know if it’s really you that’s got the problem. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address it, but be honest about what you’re trying to do.
- Nobody likes to be told “I’m really pissed off with the thing you did 3 months ago”. And don’t try and fix the biggest problem right now. Try and fix something small by the end of the day, then within 2 hours, then within 5 minutes. Work your way up to the big problems.
Posted by Tom Dolan at June 10, 2004 04:30 PM
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